Hi hey hello.
This is a bit more of a cynical read than my usual shares. I wrote it during a writing session this morning, as an answer to the prompt: what is the antidote to loneliness? This is a question I think about often.
Hopeful optimism is usually my default perspective, but today I am surrendering to the sad, sticky, gooey, ugly feelings.
Thank you for being a witness to the journey of me learning to embrace more of me.
Perhaps loneliness is a luxury too.
I hope that, if anything, you are drinking lots of water today.
With solace,
Jezz
You will be lonely for the rest of your life.
How could you not be? Loneliness comes from knowing too many secrets and how heavy of a crown is that to hold.
You have been assigned the chief secret keeper of your life. The envy, the rage, the unthinkable and unnameable. The could haves, the might have beens, the twists and turns that have come along your way.
If existence is a sickness, loneliness is a drug.
You are addicted to being alive, welcome to the rest of your life.
In between this state of knowing and unknowing, between being known and unknown.
No one will know as much as you, as close as they may come. The peculiar you, the specific you, the terrible you. They’ll meet versions, they’ll fall in love with illusions, but no matter how much time spent together, how many lives built together, no one will know the truly, eternally, wildly you.
And what if it’s meant to be this way? What if this is by design?
This secret you’re holding, this tale you’re telling. You are unraveling and with each layer you peel, you discover the fractal nature of being here and here and there and now.
What if this is the power you hold?
The intimacy between you and yourself, between your history and your future, the places you’ve existed and the people you’ve been.
You have spent every day asking questions and you are nowhere close to the satisfaction of an answer. There is no clarity in this journey.
A glimpse, a taste, sure. But to expect a steady momentum of high-octane attention and nose-to-nose connection is idealistically cruel.
The kindest way to say this is, you are alive. Achingly alive.
This is the gift you have been given, by forces completely outside of your own. By someone’s choice. You have been given this life, you are creating this life, and those two truths may always be in conflict.
So I’m telling you, how could you not feel alone.